feeding toddlers/young kids/crazy anorexic children (i kid, i kid). Here's how dinner tonight went down:
6:00 pm: Me: "Boys! It's dinner time! Please come to the table."
(a few minutes pass. No children have appeared at the table.)
6:05 pm "Luca and Julian, please come to the table now!"
(boys straggle in and half-heartedly approach the dinner table)
6:10 pm Luca: "what's for dinner?"
Me: "Chicken, apples and peas."
Julian: "Peas, I hate peas, they're disgusting."
Luca: "Julian, that's not polite. Mom, I hate the skin on the apples. It's so gross."
Me: "Please just start eating. I am going to get you both some milk."
Julian: "NO MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT APPLE JUICE!!!!"
Luca: "I want orange juice."
Me: "You can have juice after your milk."
(The boys look dejected over the no-juice dictum. 15 minutes pass, during which both boys poke at their chicken as though it were an piece of seaweed encountered at the beach.)
Me: "Luca and Julian, please put food in your mouth and chew. You've been sitting at the table for 15 minutes and none of your food is gone."
(Luca takes a bite the size of an atom.)
Me: Luca, if you take such small bites you won't finish your meal til next year. Please take a larger bite."
Luca (a sound a bit like a drowning victim and a small whiny dog at the same time emerges from his mouth) "Mom, I can't take a bigger BITE! I have a small MOUTH!!! It's so unfair!! You make me eat SO MUCH!!!!"
(Julian, meanwhile, is sucking his thumb and staring out the window.)
Me: "Julian, please turn around in your chair and eat your meal."
Julian: "But Mo---om [oh, yes, you know that long drawn out Mooooom sound, don't you?] I don't want chicken. I want apple!"
Me: "Julian, you can eat your apple after you eat some chicken. Please take a bite of your dinner before I start to get annoyed."
Luca: "Yea Julian, don't you want to be big and strong like me?" (keep in mind, dear reader, that Luca has had about .25 ounces of chicken thus far, and he's been sitting there..let's see....25 minutes or so....)
Julian: "Luca, don't tell me what to do!!!!!!!"
(Luca, in what he thinks is a surreptitious fashion, sticks his tongue out at Julian.)
Julian: (screeching so loudly I am quite sure the neighbors are going to get involved) "LUCA DON'T STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me: "Okay, both of you. You each have 5 minutes to finish your meal. If you don't, you're going straight to bed with no book."
Julian (looking up at me expectantly) "I'll go to bed right now!" (He then smiles and hops off his chair and heads towards his bedroom. I don't go after him. I know a stronger opponent when I encounter one.)
Me: "Okay, Luca, I'd like to see you eat half of what's on your plate."
Luca: "But I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't. I am SOOO FULL. I can't eat anymore or I will get sick."
(I look at his plate. It looks untouched to me.)
Me: (resignedly) "Fine, Luca. Go and brush your teeth and get into bed. I'll come and tuck you in."
Ending time: 7:10 pm. One hour of my life has just disappeared. Okay, more, since I did have to nuke the chicken. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Absolutely nuttin'. Sigh.